Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
Leo Tolstoy
Interpersonal conflicts begin when one person commits an action that leads to a negative experience for another person. The person who committed that action may or may not have intended any harm. Regardless of the intent, the person who had a negative experience can often put the conflict behind him/her if he/she receives some form of acknowledgement.
There are many ways to take responsibility. One can apologize, acknowledge harm done, make a statement of regret, express remorse, and so on. How we should take responsibility will depend on our contribution to the conflict.
Sometimes we don’t believe we have contributed to the conflict in any way. We often believe that the other person ‘started it’ and therefore should apologize first. The dilemma here is that invariably both parties believe that the other person ‘started it.’ This justifies their retaliations (mild or severe) and creates a stalemate. Many conflicts start with someone unintentionally frustrating the other person. It escalates when that person intentionally responds in kind. People who want to resolve conflict must take responsibility for 100% of their part, the sooner the better.
Common Elements in Good Apologies include:
An expression of regret/remorse. This includes not only acknowledging the hurt but also expressing concern that the person is hurting. I’m sorry that I hurt you... or I regret the impact that my behaviour had.
Clearly naming the action. This involves clearly identifying the action that caused discomfort. Examples could include “the way I have been giving you feedback,” “the angry tone in my voice,” “forgetting to pick you up.”
Taking full responsibility for your behaviour. Your actions occurred in a specific context, but it is important to separate your actions from the other’s behaviour. If we do not do this it will only sound like we are justifying our behaviour and continuing the debate.
Steps to prevent re-occurrence. If this situation has occurred before, it is important to share what you will do to work at changing your behaviour.
In some situations, a symbolic gesture of regret is appreciated. This could include buying flowers, taking a friend out for lunch, a card, etc.
It is not helpful to:
+ Use the word "but" in an apology
+ Argue with the person’s experience
+ Minimize the level of hurt
+ Blame the other person for your action.
TWO TYPES OF APOLOGIES
Key elements:
+ Listen to understand
+ Express regret for the negative impact
+ Name the action (be as specific as possible)
+ Commit to alternative action in future (optional)
Pat, I am sorry for offending you at the meeting by interrupting you and saying that disrespectful comment.
RECOVERING FROM AN UNINTENTIONAL OFFENCE (post pinch)
Key Elements:
+ Listen to understand
+ Express regret for the negative impact
+ Name the action (be as specific as possible)
+ Clarify positive intention (carefully)
+ Re-issue statement of regret for negative impact of behaviour
+ Discuss how to interact in the future so as to avoid future pinches (optional).
Pat, I’m sorry for leaving you stranded with the kids. I need you to know that I did not hear the announcement this morning. I regret that it put you in this bind and I will make a point to listen more carefully to the announcements.
ACCEPTING APOLOGIES
People who express regret need a response. Sometimes people do not respond because they are afraid that accepting the apology will exonerate the person. Silence is often experienced as an act of aggression. However, it is possible to accept an apology, and still address the problematic behaviour. Responses can be as simple as “Thank you” or “I appreciate your acknowledgement.”
A good apology can turn a destructive response into an opportunity for growth. We recommend that before having a potentially difficult conversation, the person initiating the conversation should reflect on what his/her contribution may have been and be ready to share that insight at the appropriate time.
Developed by Janet P Schmidt for Resolution Skills Centre