By Janet P Schmidt
First printed in the Conciliation Quarterly - Summer, 1995

As a third party intervener in conflict situations I have often wondered where forgiveness and third party processes intersect. How does my role as a mediator impact the experience of forgiveness for participants?

Forgiveness is defined by many as one piece of what I would call a longer healing journey. It represents that time in the journeys of both victims and offenders when an event no longer has control over their lives. Nonetheless, forgiveness is rarely, if ever, a one time event and may take years to complete. Both victims and offenders cycle through and revisit forgiveness in various ways at different times of their lives. Indeed, the experience of forgiveness is itself a journey which is dynamic and always changing.

Although the larger healing journey is unique to each individual, there are several general stages that can be identified for both victims and offenders. The journey to forgiveness has stages, though it need not be a linear process. People not only move through the process repeatedly, they often move back and forth between the stages. Sometimes two or more stages can happen almost simultaneously. Like many journeys in our lives, the road to forgiveness is both predictable and surprising.

I have chosen to use terms victim and offender to describe these two journeys. Although we are most accustomed to these words as descriptive for the justice system, I am using them in a general sense. We have all experienced victimization at some point in our lives. We have also all offended others. In many conflictive situations parties are both victims and offenders in that they have both been wounded and inflicted wounds. The following journeys of healing assume a generalized understanding of these terms.

The "Victims'" Journey

The first stage in the healing journey for victims is often denial. Certainly, the level of violation will influence how this denial is expressed. Victims may say, "This is not really happening," or "I must have done something to cause this." Most often mediators do not see participants at this stage as cases are usually brought to their attention once they have begun acknowledging their experience. In cases where victims are still in this stage, the effectiveness of a third party intervention is limited. The victim will minimize an apology and will not be able to articulate their needs for a complete release from the experience. Even more disconcerting is the impact on the offender. The offenders can conclude that the offense is not important, therefore increasing the likelihood that the offense will be repeated.

The following four stages are based on Lewis B. Smedes book, Forgive and Forget. The next stage the victim may experience can be called hurting. The victim has acknowledged that a violation has occurred and feels the emotional pain. At this point the victim is primarily interested in finding release from the pain. This will be a significant motivating factor for participation in a mediation. For instance, they may readily agree to a meeting, hoping that it will take the pain away. If the offender apologizes, the victim may quickly grant forgiveness, hoping that this will stop the pain. Even at this stage the victim is often unable to articulate what they will need from the offender to continue their healing journey.

During the next stage of healing, victims experience anger. This anger is directed at the person as well as the offense. The harm that an offender has inflicted upon a victim is acknowledged in this anger. Here the victim is less likely to participate in meetings as they are angry about the injustice and feel that the person should be punished "to the full extent of the law." If the victim does agree to participate in meetings, their motivation can include a need for revenge. It is not unusual at this point for the victim to have vilified the offender, where the offender is defined only by their action that has caused the pain. If the victim has granted forgiveness before they have reached this stage, this forgiveness may well be retracted. Final agreements at this stage are frequently less than satisfying for all parties involved.

Mediators who see victims at this stage must work with these additional dynamics, being patient and gentle with the victim. Often it is helpful for victims if the intervention is not a one-time event. A second session, scheduled following a given period , can allow victims to consider the new information they have received during the mediation, thus freeing them to move to the next stage.

It is also important for mediators to recognize the difference between anger at the offense and the type of anger that is expressed in the anger stage. The anger in this stage is an unfocused anger, which delights in the suffering of the offender. In cases of deep wounds many victims will experience anger at the offense for their entire lives. Anger at the offense expresses itself in different ways than anger at the person who has committed the offense. We all know that anger is a necessary ingredient to motivate positive action, protect from further victimization, call for accountability and even protect others. Anger at the offense should be encourage by third party interveners throughout the healing journey.

Once through the anger stage, the victim can move toward a stage of understanding. It is here that the victim can experience healing, in the sense that the violation no longer has control over them. It is at this stage that victims often ask for three things. First, they want to know why the event happened. They will often listen attentively to the offender and ask questions to more fully understand not only the event but also the circumstances that created the possibility for the event to take place. Second, they will want some form of compensation. Compensation can take many different forms including a sincere apology, counseling or financial compensation. Third, the victim often wants assurance that the event will not be repeated. This is important for the victim's peace of mind. This is an ideal stage for victims to enter into a third party process. Victims at this stage are often able to articulate what they need in a constructive manner. Moreover, they are better able to hold the offender accountable for what they have done. It is at this stage that victims may grant an offender's request for forgiveness.

The understanding stage is also a time when there is potential for the victim to move to the last stage which has been called reconciliation. Reconciliation is when the relationship between the victim and the offender experiences transformation evidenced by new understandings and greater intimacy. Healing does not depend on whether the victim and the offender choose to reestablish a relationship. If the victim and the offender are able to pursue reconciliation, there will be a further healing effect for both of them. It is important to remember that reconciliation is not always possible and in some situations is unwise. Lewis B. Smedes says that while the reconciliation stage is not necessary for the victims to heal, it is the "icing on the cake."

Victims need patience and support throughout this process. During the earlier stages, mediators can anticipate questions victims will need to have addressed in later stages, by gently encouraging offenders to answer the questions many victims have during the understanding stage. Mediators also need to be comfortable with anger and must see it as an essential part of the healing process. After all, it is after victims have journeyed through their anger that they can reach the place where healing is possible.

The "Offenders'" Journey

Following a conflict, offenders also need to find some way of putting the incident in the past. While victims seek healing from the "offense" they have experienced, offenders often wish to change old patterns of behaviour. For many offenders, their offense continues to control them, whether that be in the form of guilt, self-hatred, emotional turmoil or a predisposition to re-offend. Only as offenders' journey through a healing process, can the event lose its power to control them.

Like victims, the first stage offenders experience is denial. At this point they make many excuses for their behaviour and acknowledge very little, if any, of their wrongdoing. If the offender is in denial, a face to face encounter is rarely safe for the victim. Only once the offender begins to take meaningful responsibility should a meeting be arranged. Unfortunately, in some situations this may take years or it may never happen.