Role Renegotiation

Friday, November 21, 2008

By Janet P Schmidt

Workplace conflict is often hard to understand. How is it that good people, who enjoy their work and want to do well, can become embroiled in conflict with colleagues whom they care about - conflict that ultimately leaves them feeling frustrated, angry and hopeless?

A model that explores how conflict evolves is called the Role Renegotiation Map. The model has a simple and yet profound way of describing our conflicted relationships.

The journey begins when you join a new organization, or get transferred to a new unit. There is the initial commitment to a written job description and contract. But there also is a list of unspoken and unwritten expectations. These expectations include those of yourself, your colleagues, and your direct supervisor. They are based on previous work experience and personal preferences. These expectations can range from email response times, how and when coffee breaks are taken, if sensitive issues are discussed face to face, and the list goes on and on. We not even aware of the miriad of expectations we have of others.

The stability and productivity stage is where most expectations are being met and those that are not being met are assumed to be the result of a learning curve. Everyone is at their best behaviour. But the inevitable happens, people feel a pinch when others do not meet their expectations. Pinches are generally invisible, meaning that only the person being ‘pinched’ knows that something went ‘wrong’ The person causing the pinch is often oblivious to what has happened. ‘Pinches’ are simply unmet expectations.

Most people in most organizations do nothing when they are ‘pinched’ - they either suffer in silence or tell someone else they are close to. Rarely do people have expectation conversations. And so people continue to act as they have been acting. As the pinches begin to accumulate, so does disappointment, disillusionment and discouragement. This leads to a major disruption of expectations and decreased productivity.

Eventually, in a moment of fatigue or frustration, open conflict sets in (crunch). There is an unpleasant exchange - in a office, at a meeting, or by email. Anyone who sees/hears/reads it knows that a ‘fight’ has happened.

At this point, upper management or human resources may step in. In the worst crunches people will quit or get fired. A more frequent response is that one of the persons feels badly for their behaviour, and/or they are concerned about the impact to their reputation, so they will make a recommitment to the relationship. This recommitment invariably involves an apology for the ‘crunch’ behaviour and promises to act differently in the future. The problem is that often the conversation stops here and the build-up of unmet expectations never gets discussed. Which means that the process is likely to happen again. Only this time, as the pinches accumulate, the individual chooses to lower their expectations rather than again have open conflict. People who work with lowered expectations hamper team creativity and are often just putting in time until retirement, a transfer, or another job.

The only positive response from a ‘crunch’ moment is to have a conversation about expectations and to see if there are ways of addressing both parties’ expectations/concerns.

Those in truly healthy relationships have learned how to talk post-pinch. Pinches are simply flags to consider having an ‘expectation conversation’. Not all expectations can be met. But if we don’t try and meet expectations, or change them in healthy ways, work can become a disappointing place to be. We all spend way too much time at work to be suffering in silence. And remember, just as others are not meeting your expectations, you are not meeting theirs, so get curious.