by Janet P Schmidt and Betty Pries

Participating in conflict is certainly a common human experience.  Whether we commit errors of omission or of commission we all share in the human affliction of making mistakes.  What do we do when our actions hurt others?  How can we learn from our past mistakes rather than go on living in their shadows?  At Mediation Services, we believe that a well resolved conflict can be a tremendously transforming experience for those involved.  A well stated apology lies at the core of this transformation. Dr. Aaron Lazare (Psychology Today, January/February, 1995) writes: 

"...[An] apology is a show of strength.  It is an act of honesty because we admit we did wrong; an act of generosity, because it restores the self concept of those we offended.  It offers hope for a renewed relationship and, who knows, possibly even a strengthened one.  The apology is an act of commitment because it consigns us to working at the relationship and at our self-development.  Finally the apology is an act of courage because it subjects us to the emotional distress  of  shame  and the risk ofhumiliation, rejection, and retaliation at the hands of the person we offended." 

Why do we give Apologies?

Offering apologies is an absolutely crucial ingredient for effective communication in long term relationships.  Certainly, each of us has offended another person.  We have each also experienced some victimization.  We may react unkindly to unclean dishes in our home, we may let a comment drop at a staff meeting, or we may give the sales clerk a difficult time for an unsatisfactory product.  Perhaps our prevailing mood has put us into this negative space or, we may be reacting to a previous conflict with this or some other individual.  Although some of our conflicts are one-time events, many have extremely long histories, going back further than even our own memories.  What power can an apology hold in this context?

Apologies, at their most basic level, give us, as both offenders and victims, the opportunity to heal.  A well-stated apology not only has the potential to put an issue into the past; in some cases, it has the power to re-establish positive relationships.  As  victims, apologies have the power to release us from the pain we have experienced.  Being at the receiving end of a conflict can burden us with immeasurable amounts of pain, worry and self-doubt.  What did we do to deserve this behaviour and will it happen again?  If the conflict was in a public setting, humiliation is added to our burden.  An apology that addresses these needs allows our spirits to heal again.   For example:

"I recently received two apologies that were memorable both in the way they were delivered and in the impact they had in restoring my relationships with these individuals.  The first was from a woman who had spoken to me in a rather threatening manner.  A month after the incident, she called me and invited me to tell her about the pain her words had caused me.  Following my explanation, she responded, 'I deeply regret what I said to you that day as well as the pain that you have experienced.'  Her response was simple, yet very powerful.

"The second incident happened during a difficult meeting in which a man lectured me in the presence of 10 other people.   One week later he called me and said, 'I would like to talk to you about what happened at the meeting last week.  I am very sorry for the way I spoke to you during the meeting.  I have been so ashamed by my behaviour.  I know that I hurt you and I feel very badly about that.  Some day, if you are interested, I would be willing to tell you what was going on for me at the time.  I also want to let you know that no explanation justifies what I did to you that day.  Please accept my apology.'  I had been deeply hurt by the incident and had been imagining, future contexts where we would meet and was developing a strategy of how I would avoid this man.  I did see this man one month after his phone call.  I knew that I felt better about him, yet I was unprepared for how friendly I felt towards him.  The issue was obviously resolved" (Janet P. Schmidt). 

Certainly, as offenders, our apologies provide an opportunity to restore what we have damaged:  "By apologizing, you take the shame of your offense and redirect it to yourself.  You admit to hurting or diminishing someone and, in effect, say that you are really the one who is diminished.  In acknowledging your shame you give the offended the power to forgive.  The exchange is at the heart of the healing process" (Lazare).   

Nonetheless, despite our role in providing healing for our victims, giving apologies has about as much to do with our own healing as it has to do with the victim's.  In some cases, we will know we have committed an offense and feel a sense of shame or guilt immediately.  In other cases, however, we must hear the pain our victim has experienced, to both understand the depth of their pain, and to re-evaluate our own self-image.  It is difficult to hear how our behaviour has caused pain for another individual.  Nonetheless, it is in hearing and repairing that pain that we are able to move forward ourselves.   A good apology will allow us to re-establish our own self esteem despite the offense we have committed.

Why do so many of us avoid making apologies?

For some people, a common reaction to conflict is to ignore that it even happened in the first place.  After all, if you don't draw attention to it, maybe no one noticed.  Our experience, however, suggests that if people have indeed been hurt by an exchange, they have not only noticed this exchange but they will also remember it for some time.  Moreover, they will bring this unresolved event into future interactions with this individual, allowing their own responses to be coloured by this earlier event.  Many conflicts that we see at Mediation Services began with simple mistakes that were ignored.  Over time, these smaller events have accumulated and developed into large and rather unwieldy conflicts over which the participants have lost control. 

To apologize following a conflict is particularly difficult given the level of vulnerablity involved.  Rather than understanding this vulnerability as a show of strength, we avoid giving an apology for fear of the weakness associated with  it.  The reality with conflict, however, is that although in the short run, it may be simpler to pretend that everything is okay, in the long run, avoidance destroys our relationships.  It is difficult to acknowledge our failures.  Rather than being an indicator of weakness, however, apologies are most often a show of strength.

Of course,  many conflicts arise from our own feeling of having first been wronged ourselves.  When we intentionally hurt others by speaking sharply, saying things that put others down, or doing something to irritate others it is often in a context of first feeling that we were wronged ourselves.  This can make it extremely difficult to apologize.  We struggle with separating our own response from the behaviour of the person we are in conflict with.   Nonetheless,  when we contribute to a conflict we choose to treat this individual badly and must take responsibility for this behaviour regardless of what this other individual has done.    

What makes an Apology Work?  

As a starting point, a good apology includes an expression of regret or remorse.  This statement can be as simple as saying "I'm sorry that I hurt you."   Dr. Aaron Lazare states, "A good apology also has to make you suffer.  You have to express genuine, soul-searching regret for your apology to be taken as sincere.  Unless you communicate guilt, anxiety, and shame, people are going to question the depth of your remorse.  The anxiety and sadness demonstrate that the potential loss of the relationship matters to you.  Guilt tells the offended person that you're distressed over hurting [them].  And shame communicates your disappointment with yourself over the incident."